What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
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