Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.