Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
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