I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
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