Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
"Adulting makes me wine."
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
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