I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
"Here for the right riesling."
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
"Alcohol you later."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
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