I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
"Love the wine you're with."
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
"Partners in wine."
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
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