Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
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