How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
One should always practice what they peach.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
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