Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
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