Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
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