Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
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