Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
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