Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
"You're the wine that I want."
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
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