I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
This foundation is rock salad.
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