I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"Here for the right riesling."
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Join us for a slice of fun.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
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