How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Everybody romaine calm.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
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