I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
"Sip, sip hooray."
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
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