Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
I yam what I yam.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
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