I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
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