My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
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