What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
"Here for the right riesling."
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
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