My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
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