How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
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