I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
You’re wine in a million.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
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