What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
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