I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
"It's wine o'clock."
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
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