Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
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