What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
One should always practice what they peach.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
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