Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
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