What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
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