I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Keep calm and carrot on.
I think therefore I yam.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
This foundation is rock salad.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
I hope for world peas.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Time to celery-brate.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Everybody romaine calm.
I love you from my head tomato
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What a spud muffin.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I yam what I yam.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
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