Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Time to celery-brate.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
I think therefore I yam.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I love you from my head tomato
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
I hope for world peas.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
This foundation is rock salad.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Everybody romaine calm.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.