English is a funny language, wouldn't you say?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
4. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegans eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations.
He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge.
After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling.
"Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Impressive?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, do you have to say now?"
"What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive."
The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made plans for a date with a stewardess tonight. Impressive?"
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
Long
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.
“It’s worth a try.” he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”
“You gave birth to a child.”
“But that’s impossible!”
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”
The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Frank takes his blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.
Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.
"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.
So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, "you weigh 128 pounds?" "You are two pounds off," replies Heather. She steps on the scale, and sure enough, she weighs 130 pounds.
After Frank and Heather ride the Ferris wheel, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did. Twice." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't."
So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser a third time. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed the first two times, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds.
Now this goes on for a while. Frank always suggests to go on a different ride, and Heather always says, "I want to get weighed." After much arguing, Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser over and over. Both Frank and the weight guesser become very annoyed.
Finally, the blind date is over. Frank takes Heather home to her roommate, Lisa.
"How was your date?" asks Lisa.
"Oh, Wisa," says Heather, "it was wame and wousy."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…"
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn't, He sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong -- with his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk... and after five reissued licenses, the judge was finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be, putting it delicately, technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.
They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off.
The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants.
She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"
HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in cheese.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate...
The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all – just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: "Pull down your pants,"
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would prefer the traditional service."
I got pulled over earlier today...
Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”
Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”
Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A car..?”
Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?”
Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.”
Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.”
Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.”
Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A motorcycle.”
Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?”
Me: “I have no idea!”
Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.”
Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?”
Cop: “A hooker of course.”
Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?”
Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."
"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."
The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in s*x."
Why is FISHING better than DATING?
WELL...
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum.
And don't forget - Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle!
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker."
"That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
A young Italian girl was going on her first date.
Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"What is it you wish of me, my son?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral.
The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription.
The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable.
He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it.
He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice.
“How can you tell” he was asked. “
Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN”
“THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”!
The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then.
Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again.
“How can you tell” asked the master.
“Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB.
The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.
"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old."
Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.
"The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology."
Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding.
They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged.
"So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old."
Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date.
The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says:
"He confessed."
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.
“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie. Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’
So, boys, here I am!”
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky, were promoted right from privates to sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes with a big smile. "But we's sergeants now!"
Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
"What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!"
"You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy."
"What makes you say that?" asked her father.
"Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"
A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand...
Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story!"
These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."
I went out on a blind date with a woman I met online.
So I went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, just gorgeous. I couldn't believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?"
I said okay, not everyone's idea of a good time. I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.
I said "you don't drink?!?"
"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?"
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.
So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
"Wanna get a room and knock boots?"
She says: "I thought you'd never ask!"
I say: "Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?"
She says: "The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"
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