Do you need some assistance? Our Nurse Puns are here to help!

*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

She was really itching to get out of here.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.

Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.