What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
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