I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
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