What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.