"Partners in wine."
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
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