As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
You knead me in your loaf.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
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