Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
"Love the wine you're with."
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
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