What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
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