My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
"Partners in wine."
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
"Love the wine you're with."
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
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