The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
"Read between the wines."
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
"You had me at merlot."
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
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