A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
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