I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
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