A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week.
It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath.
“My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said.
“What did she say to you?” asked his buddies.
“Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied.
“And what did you say?” they asked.
“I told her it would be fine by me!”
“So did she leave?”
"Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over.
“Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”
“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.
“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”
“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”
“Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds.
“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.
The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”
He calls one of his men over.
“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”
Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but you've lost your darn mind if you think I'll do that, sir!"
“See?" Smiles the general, "Now THAT takes some guts!”
There’s a Mexican, an American and a Russian man on a plane.
The Mexican says, "I hate my country!" And throws a tin of soup out the window.
The American says, "I hate my country!" and throws a pie out the window.
The Russian says, "I hate my country!" And throws a bomb out the window.
The plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying and asks him "what's wrong kid?"
The kid says, "a tin of soup fell on my mom's head and now she’s dead."
"I didn't do that!" says the Mexican.
The American sees another kid crying and asks her "what's wrong kid?"
The kid says, "my mom was driving, and a pie fell on her windshield and she drove off a cliff as she couldn't see!"
"I didn't do that!" says the American.
Then the Russian gets off the plane and sees a kid laughing his head off.
The Russian says, "what's so funny?"
The kid says, "Daddy just farted and the house went BOOM!"
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own groin."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.
The three stare at it intently.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.".
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again.
"No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner.
The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space."
The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?".
The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below".
After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed".
The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?".
The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher".
Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!"
The other two ask, "what? Belly button?".
The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."
Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil.
The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home.
When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them.
"Hmm, yes it is" they both admit.
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction.
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets."
The other two smile and nod in understanding.
A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party.
When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion.
They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says:
"You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account."
The other two are impressed.
A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner.
When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway.
"How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian.
"Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician.
"No," said both, squinting in that direction.
"Exactly."
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says, "Fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames."
The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife sleeping with his brother.
The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing.
"That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit." says the devil.
"So be it." says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.
"Now I want to call home," says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbors robbing his house and hangs up in disgust.
"How many years is that?" he asks the devil.
"None." Says the devil.
"How dare you? shouts the Russian, "You took a thousand agonizing years off that Frenchie and the Italiano, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?"
"No, no," says the devil, "it's just that local calls are free."
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
A quarrel broke out between a man and a woman while traveling for dinner at a restaurant. They quarreled almost all the way and just before they arrived, the wife said to the husband: "You are very lucky to have me, no other normal woman will want you!".
The frustrated husband decided to prove to his wife that she was wrong and find women who would be interested in him already during dinner. The hostess who led them to the table smiled at the husband endlessly, laughed at his jokes and even offered to take his coat, so of course as soon as she left he turned to his wife with a triumphant look on her face.
"Don't get too excited, it's just her job and she's married too."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw a ring on her finger."
A short time later the husband had to go to the bathroom, and on his way back he collided with the chair of a woman sitting alone at a nearby table. He apologized, ordered her a drink at his expense, talked to her for a few moments and sat down with his wife again. "Just so you know, she invited me to sit down for a drink with her!"
"Don't get too excited, she's probably half blind."
"How do you know?"
"Because I saw her enter the restaurant with a walking stick."
After a few minutes a waitress went to the table and as she took the order from the couple it was obvious that she was staring at her husband and flirting with him.
"Here! You see?!" He said to his wife after the waitress left, "There are normal women who want me!"
"Don't be an idiot, she has corona."
"How do you know?"
"Because if she's interested in you then she has no sense of taste!"
Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings
"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor." Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke"
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."
Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 Russian prisoners."
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--------------------------
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
--------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
--------------------------
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
--------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.
"What happened?" The husband asks worriedly.
"Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary."
* * *
A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan."
The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background."
Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
* * *
A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"
The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.
The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"
* * *
Two Polish husbands are talking.
One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife."
The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?"
"Not since he brought her back."
* * *
A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died."
The friend: "Of old age?"
"No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise."
* * *
A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?"
The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married."
* * *
"Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife.
"Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
"I'm great!" She replies.
"What are you doing?"
"I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!"
"That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?"
"Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much...
But he would be 165 years old."
Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it!
The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top!
Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think that.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Oh my Darling!
This was BEFORE the wedding.
To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...
An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time.
They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.
Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you're free to do whatever you'd like.
Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day.
The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell.
Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says "My Russian friend, Hell wasn't what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don't mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it's no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?"
The Russian shrugs: "No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure!"
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom.
The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said "Please, I am looking for a one night stand."
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed.
As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."
With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.
"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?"
President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters.
"Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal.
Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called POTUS Bush Sr. to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Gorbachev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.' replied the President.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev . "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Gorbachev .
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter?" said Gorbachev .
"No problem." replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush.
"I want each to say 'Made in the USA, Size: Small"
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.
However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss.
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.
On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Make love? You want to make love?! You'll get lovin' when the kid next door walks on the moon!!"
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"You didn't tell it right."
In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long.
"Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?"
Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?"
Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?"
Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?"
Liu: "25 years for being lazy."
All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep.
My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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