Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Go to BabaMail
