Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Go to BabaMail
