I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
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