Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."