I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.