My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
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