My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage. Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison He didn't even finish his sentence
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities. While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father? By his dead bod.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister... Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Go to sweep, dear.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why... And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Twin brothers just had a birthday One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family. We got joint problems.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son. I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months! For now, they're just cell mates.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My children got their good looks from their mother. I kept mine.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin? Mary O’Blige.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? An offer you can't understand.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow, on Sonday.
Shoutout to my grandparents... Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do time and space have in common with family? It's all relative.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called? Em-bro-yos.
My daughter wants a horse... But first we need a stable income.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property. We live in A flat.
My family isn't really into pancakes. We're more of a Waffle House.
I ordered won ton for my large family today. 2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl. They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
SIBLING PUNS Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling? His cyst-er.