My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"