What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
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