When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
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