Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
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