I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
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