I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
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