I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
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