My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
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