Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Go to BabaMail
