I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
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