As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
The sun is just a big space heater.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.