Cards

The Rules of the Marriage
The Rules of the Marriage A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
A Very Cheeky Question
A Very Cheeky Question Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.