An Englishman driving the backroads of Scotland sees a bonnie lass on the side of road, waving for him to stop.
He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?"
In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot.
"Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!"
Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot.
"AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!"
There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do."
The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."
Bob went home early after a night shift as a security guard and exhausted, dropped his clothes on the bedroom floor and was about to fall into bed, when he saw his wife was still in bed. "Oh, you're early!" she shrieked suddenly. "I have a splitting headache, could you please drive down to the pharmacy and get me some aspirin?"
Bob quickly grabbed up his clothes and drove to the pharmacy, where his buddy the pharmacist said "Oh, Bob! When did you start working as a mailman?"
A man sees a men’s store with a suit on sale…
It should be expensive. Hart Shaffer and Marks, but it’s only $100!
So he goes in and asks if he can get one in a size 44. The salesperson says, “well we don’t actually have and in stock. The owner puts that in the window to get people like you to come in. Can I show you something else?”
The man goes on his way, and a block down, sees the same suit in a different store window. Price is $1800. But he gets an idea.
He enters the store and asks, “do you price match?”
“Yes, I own this store and I will not just match, but beat any competitor pricing.”
“Well your competition has that same suit priced at $100! So what would be your price for a size 44?”
“If I was out of stock, like my friend up the street, it would be $50.”
Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums.
They promise to meet up again after the ship docks.
A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?”
“Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.”
“Oh,” says Saul, disappointed.
The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!”
“Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme - my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!”
Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.”
“The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately—
“Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?”
“He is!”
“Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??”
“My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m shtupping his wife!” 
A guy crashes his car and hits a woman. When the police show up, he claims it was the woman's fault.
"She was on her phone!" he yells. "And to make matters worse, she was drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it?"
"Sir," said the cop patiently, "she can do whatever she wants in her own living room."
A Lufthansa flight is over the Atlantic when there is a loud BANG! The plane shudders, and starts to go down. The pilot gets on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen. As you probably haffe noticed, we haffe lost all of our engines, und we are currently plummeting toward zee ocean!"
Well, everyone on the plane starts screaming and carrying on.
The pilot gets back on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen, haffe no fear! We at Lufthansa haffe prepared for just zuch an emergency. Listen carefully. Zoze of you who can swim, move to zee left zide of zee airplane. Zoze of you who cannot swim, move to zee right zide of zee airplane."
So the passengers start trading places and moving around; swimmers on the left and non-swimmers on the right.
After a minute or so the pilot gets back on the speaker. "Okay, ladies und gentlemen. In just a few minutes we vill plummet into zee ocean. Zoze of you on zee left zide of zee plane: as soon as we hit zee ocean, leave zee plane und swim avay as fast as you can.
Zoze of you on zee right zide of zee plane: thank you for flying Lufthansa!"
A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!" Exclaimed the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
"He said: "Who screwed up your hair?""
This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.
The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Darn it!"
He goes up to his boss, tells him he quits, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas.
After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace."
The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table."
The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21."
The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35.
"DAMMIT!" Said the voice.
A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters.
So she says to them, "Listen, I can't stand listening to you guys any more. Tell you what. Tell me where you're from. If you can say it without stuttering, I'll sleep with you. But if you can't, you have to leave. Deal?"
"D-D-Deal!" say the guys.
So she says to the first guy, "Where are you from?"
The guy concentrates, screws up his face and says, "T-T-Tampa!"
"One down," says the girl. "Adios. Next?"
The second guys concentrates and concentrates and finally says, "OrlanD-D-D-o!"
"Two down," says the girl, and turns to the third guy. "How about you?"
The guys says, "Miami."
Well, what can a girl do. She takes him to the bathroom and they proceed to have sex.
Just as they are both getting dressed, the guy says, "B-B-B-Beach!"
A couple of drunk customers at the Lone Bucket Bar started talking about their spouses.
This talk, being held by drunk men, quickly devolved into a competition of who's wife loves him the most.
At a certain point, a regular named Dave pulled up a stool and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” inquired the bartender, as well as several of the group.
Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work...She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
A man that's always lived a righteous life passes away in his sleep.
He finds himself at the end of a long line of people chatting about their lives and the last things they were doing, as he gets closer to the front he can see St. Peter at a podium standing in-between two doors, he can see when the doors open on one side it's people reading, hugging, chatting, children playing in the background
When the other door opens he can see beer kegs as far as the eyes can see, men in lounge chairs with beautiful women crawling all over them filling their glasses, when his turn finally comes St. Peter says "Heaven" a door opens, the man looks up and says "I don't mean to question your judgement but hell looks a lot more entertaining!"
St. Peter leans down and says "I'll let you in on a secret, those kegs have holes in them, the women... do not."
Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc! You gotta help me! My damn penis turned bright orange!"
The doctors says, "Really? Oh my, I've never heard of that before. Let's take a look."
So the man drops his pants and underwear, and sure enough the doctor sees the brightest, orangest organ he's ever seen.
"Hm," says the doctor, "do you now or have you ever by any chance worked in a dye factory?"
"Nah, never done that for work" the man replies.
"Well," the doctor continues, "do you work with any dangerous chemicals?"
"Nope, too scary, wouldn't do that either" says the man.
Stumped, the doctor then asks, "Ok, do you work with radioactive materials then?"
"No, Doc, you don't get it!" the man retorts, "This can't be work related, gotta be something else! I've been unemployed for months now, all I do is sit around the house eating Cheetos and watching porn!"
A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
Almost a year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"Why? What happened?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.
Eddie woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He ran to the closet with his cellphone and called the police.
The police who arrived just in time and arrested the intruder as he was exiting the house with their jewelry and cash.
The Next day Eddie went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar.
"You can't do that." said the duty sergeant, "You'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him?"
"Well," said Eddie, "he got into my house and into our bedroom at 2 am without waking up my wife. I've got to know how he did it."
On a long-distance train journey, a man and a woman accidentally ended up in the same sleeping cabin. Both were married, but they didn’t know each other.
At first it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but since they were very tired, they soon fell asleep. The man slept on the upper berth and the woman on the lower berth.
Around 1 a.m., the man woke up because it was cold. He slowly leaned down and woke the woman, saying, “Excuse me, ma’am, sorry to disturb you, but I’m feeling very cold. Could you please take out another blanket from the drawer?”
The woman smiled and replied, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, why don’t we behave like husband and wife?”
The man was stunned! With sweets bursting in his mind, he happily said, “Wow! What a great idea! Sure!”
The woman immediately said, “Then stop being lazy… go and get your own blanket yourself!”
There was a moment of silence… and then the man let out a loud fart.
Bobby had just bought an incredibly shiny pair of shoes and was very proud of them.
Curious about just how shiny they were, the not-so-decent Bobby decided to put them to the test. He went to a bar and approached a woman in a dress.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” Bobby asked, “are you wearing green underwear?”
Surprised, she said, “Yes… I am. How did you know?”
He grinned. “I must be wearing the shiniest shoes in the world.”
Feeling confident, he walked up to another woman, wearing a skirt.
“Excuse me, are you wearing red underwear?”
“Yes,” she replied, shocked.
Now fully convinced of his shoes’ brilliance, he approached a third woman in a dress.
This time, he hesitated
. “Excuse me, ma’am… are you not wearing any underwear?”
“No, I’m not,” she said. “Why?”
Bobby let out a huge sigh of relief and said, “Oh, thank God. I thought there was a hole in my shoe.”
A visitor in the hospital is walking through the newborns room. He looks at one baby and smiles:
Man: 'Hi, I'm George. What's your name?'
Baby: 'Alex.'
The man looks at him in shock.
George: 'When were you born?'
Alex: 'Three days ago, at 6:20 P.M.'
George: 'Who are your parents?'
Alex: 'My Mom is Laura Princeton, she is a programmer, in room number 6. Dad is Thomas Princeton, an engineer, should come visiting in three hours.'
George: 'Amazing! How do you know all that already?'
Alex: 'Well I wasn't born yesterday, you know.'
A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon, neat, and downs it in a single gulp.
“How big is a penguin?” he asks the bartender.
The bartender says, “Around 18 inches.”
He orders a double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down.
“What’s the biggest a penguin can ever be?”
The barman frowns. “Three feet, maybe an inch or two more.”
The man orders another double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down even quicker.
He sighs. “I may have run over a nun.”
Naomi had a reputation for being nasty, which followed her all the way to the gates of St. Peter.
“You said some pretty awful things to your husband,” says St. Peter. “Like when he bought that sharp-looking hat.”
“I’m sorry,” says Naomi, “but that thing made his ears look enormous.”
St. Peter shakes his head. “And the skinny jeans? He’s got the legs for it.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, “but I can’t get past his bony knees.”
He sighs. “And the beard? Big fans up here.”
She shakes her head.
“Look,” says St. Peter, “if you expect to get past these gates, we’ll need a genuine apology.”
Naomi takes a breath. “I’m sorry.”
“Good,” says St. Peter.
“…but with feet like that, you really shouldn’t wear open-toed sandals.”
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Alright my child, so it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Okay My Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
A familiar voice rumbles: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
George is playing fetch with his dog by a lake.
He throws a stick out on the water and the dog trots out atop the water, retrieves the stick and walks back to him. George is flabbergasted. He throws the stick again. And again, the dog trots out atop the water, gets the stick and brings it back.
The man can hardly believe his eyes! Bursting with excitement, that evening he goes to his neighbor's house, Bill, and invites him to come down to the lake the next day, hoping to show off his amazing dog.
Once they arrive, the man throws the stick out into the middle of the lake. Just as before, the dog trots out on top of the water, grabs the stick, and trots back. Bill watches calmly and says nothing.
George throws the stick again. The dog walks on the water, gets it, and returns. Still, the neighbor remains silent.
Unable to contain himself any longer, George asks, "So... did you notice anything unusual about my dog?"
Bill rubs his chin and replies, "Yeah, I noticed. He can't swim, can he?"
How do different professionals measure the volume of a ball?
Mathematician: Measures the dimensions of the ball and calculates the volume.
Engineer: Looks up the volume in the ball catalog.
Physicist: Submerges the ball in a beaker of water and measures the displacement.
Statistician: Compiles thousands of guesses about the volume without a single answer being correct.
Lawyer: Explains to you why it is legally someone else's job to calculate the volume.
Politician: Tells you every statistic about the ball, from every angle, his opinions on the ball, and his opponents' opinions, but still won't answer the question you actually asked.
Banker: Prefers to invest in other people's guesses about the volume and charge a commission on the profits.
Psychologist: Sits with the ball for an hour and tries to get it to talk about itself and its volume.
Mechanic: Doesn't care about the volume, but asks when was the last time you replaced its timing belt.
Economist: Explains that the volume depends on supply, demand, and global market conditions, and predicts that it will likely change in the future.
Tech Guy: Develops an app to measure ball volume, which crashes the first time you try to launch it.
Doctor: Asks if the ball is experiencing any pain, orders some lab tests, and will get back to you with an answer in two weeks.
In an Irish pub, a newcomer ordered a pint of beer. He drank it and complained it was weak. The bartender served him a 10% alcohol beer, and the newcomer said it was still weak.
The next day, the bartender mixed pure alcohol with detergent to make foam and added yellow dye. The newcomer said it was almost good, but still weak.
Annoyed, the bartender mixed sulfuric acid with the alcohol and waited. The newcomer arrived, drank it, his eyes bulged, he paid, and left. He didn’t come back the next day.
The bartender was relieved when he finally reappeared. He offered him a regular strong beer on the house, and the newcomer said:
“No way! I want the one that makes holes in the sidewalk when I piss!”
Lawyer Smith was in his office one day.
His partner Jones of their Smith and Jones law firm was not in. Business was rather slow lately, so he was glad when a client came in to pay her bill which amounted to four hundred dollars.
He diligently entered the amount in the account book and was putting away the money when he realized that there were two hundred dollar notes stuck together. With the extra hundred dollar note in his hand, he experienced the inner struggle that all faithful lawyers face.
After battling with his conscience long and hard he finally decided on a coin toss. Heads he would tell, tails he won't.
Tails came up.
So he didn't tell his partner.
A blonde walks into the police department.
"What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty.
"I'd like to join the police!" She says.
Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions:
"What’s 2+2?"
She replied, “4”.
"What’s the square root of 100?"
She answered, “10”
"Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...”
The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to visit them.
After reviewing the troops on parade he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers.
The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"And how are you treating that?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To kill the enemy Sir!"
Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?"
"Genital warts, Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To kill the enemy, Sir!"
Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier.
"And why are you here?"
"Gum disease, Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To beat these other two to the wire brush, Sir!"
A woman visits her husband in prison. They have a long talk, and then the guard tells them their time is over.
The woman gets up to leave, but before she reaches the door, she turns to the correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard, he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cell. He doesn't even go outside in the yard!"
"Don't you lie to me!" Said the wife hotly, "He just told me he's been digging a tunnel every day for months!" 
A man tells his therapist that his wife hasn't had s*x with him in six months. The therapist then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have s*x with her husband any more.
The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'"
At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and my husband asks me: "Are we going to have s*x or what?" So again I choose the what..."
A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand.
He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand.
"This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500".
"No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?"
The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900".
Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?".
The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack.
"This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color".
The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green."
The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".
A police officer pulls over a little old lady for a minor traffic violation and asks for her license and registration.
As she opens her wallet, the officer notices the handle of a gun in her purse.
"Ma'am," he asks warily, "Is that a gun?"
"Yes, Officer," she replies sweetly. "It's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."
"Okay," the officer says, taking a step back. "Please place that purse on the passenger seat and don't make any sudden moves. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?"
"Well," she says, "There is a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment."
"Okay," the officer says, now visibly nervous. "Let's just stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?"
"I do have a .22 Derringer in my bra," she admits. "But it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly."
The officer sighs, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons?"
"Just a Mossberg 12-gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk," she says matter-of-factly.
The officer stares at her in disbelief. He pauses for a long moment, trying to process the arsenal this sweet old lady is carrying.
"Ma'am," he finally asks, "You have a revolver, a pistol, a derringer, a shotgun, and an assault rifle. What are you so afraid of?"
The old lady looks him dead in the eye.
"Not a goddamn thing."
Three NHL coaches are waiting outside the delivery unit as their wives are all in labor.
After many hours, a nurse comes out to see the first coach.
"Your wife just finished giving birth! Both she and the baby are fine! A healthy baby boy!" the nurse said. "But... I've never seen a baby like yours..."
"What do you mean?" the coach asked.
"Well," the nurse replied, "your son growled and clawed at us like a... like a wild cat..."
When the coach heard this, they chuckled before replying,
"Well, that makes sense! After all, I work for the Florida Panthers!"
The husband then follows the nurse to see their wife and son, and after a while they come out to see the second coach.
"I'm so happy to tell you that your wife had a beautiful daughter! Yet her behavior is also... very peculiar..."
"How so?" the coach asked.
"Well, you see," the nurse became hesitant to reply, "they started... quacking... almost like they were-"
"A duck?" the coach interrupted.
"Well... Yes..." the nurse confirmed.
The coach could only laugh in response.
"Well what do you know?!" they beamed. "She really is the daughter of the coach of the Anaheim Ducks!"
But while the second coach was gleeful, the third coach was white in the face, and immediately began to rush out of the delivery unit.
"Where you do think you're going?" the nurse asked.
"To call an exorcist!" the third coach yelled out. "I'm the coach of the New Jersey Devils!"
A cowboy was coming to the end of his life at the age of 101 years old. He great grandson visits him and asks "Grandpappy, how did you do it? You are from a time with poor health care and disease, how did you make it all the way to 101?".
"Well, I dont rightly know" says the cowboy. "The only thing I can think of is every morning for breakfast I have a bowl of porridge, I take out one of my bullets, break it open and sprinkle the gunpowder over it. Maybe that did it."
The young man thinks on this and decides it cant really hurt. So from that day onwards every morning he would start his day with a bowl of porridge with a spinkle of gunpowder on it.
Amazingly he lived to the ripe old age of 107 years old. He left behind six children, 19 grandchildren, 74 great grand children...
and a 10ft hole in the crematorium wall.
By the river, next to a farm, there sits the "black cow" of the herd, smoking weed.
A beaver swims up to her and asks:
‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’
‘I’m smoking weed.’ said the cow.
‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’ exclaimed the beaver.
The cow relinquished the joint, the beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it. The cow replies,
‘No no, not like that! Look: you’re inhaling the smoke and holding it in your lungs for a long time. Besides, swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, you'll really enjoy it.’
They did as planned. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt quite bizarre. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and slumped. A hippo approached him and asked,
‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’
‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’
‘Give me some stuff; I want some too.’ said the bored hippo excitedly
‘Swim across to the other side to the cow - she will share some with you.’
The hippo swam upstream and came ashore, and as he approached the now-napping cow, she popped her eyes open and screamed:
‘Beaver, for goodness sake, LET SOME AIR OUT!’
A man is doing 20 over the speed limit on the highway when a cop pulls him over.
The man rolls his window down as the cop approaches, who says, "Sir, any reason you're driving so fast?"
"Well," the guy says, "I've recently decided to try beekeeping, and I need to get the bees in my trunk home A.S.A.P."
The officer squints. "You have bees in your trunk?"
"I'm still new to bee keeping, sir. I didn't know where else to put them," he says.
In disbelief, the cop says, "You're lying. Pop the trunk."
"Do I have to?" the guy asks.
"Do it or I'm writing you up for reckless driving and obstruction," the officer says.
So the man pops the trunk.
A thick cloud of angry wasps explodes out. The cop makes a break for it as they swarm him, and as he flees he cries, "You said you had bees!"
And the guy leans out his window and goes, "Those aren't bees!?"
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.
Next week, same scenario - radio says:
“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three:
They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”
And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
A lion was walking proudly through the savanna, his head held high surveying the land before him.
He comes across a boar, who cowers at the sight of him.
"Hey, boar, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
"You, sir, of course", said the fearful boar.
"Correct", said the lion, and moved on.
He then comes across an antelope.
"Hey, antelope, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
"Y-y-ou, s-s-ir", said the trembling antelope.
"Darn right!", said the lion, and moved on.
He then comes across an elephant.
"Hey, elephant, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
The elephant, without saying a word, grabs the lion with his trunk, spins him around, and tosses him into a nearby muddy watering hole.
The lion slowly crawls out, mud dripping, and mutters under his breath, "The temper some animals have... he could have just said, 'I don't know!'"
I had a phone conversation this morning with a very nice young fella from India.
This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you-"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and hung up.
An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside.
Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.”
Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?”
She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?”
The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.
Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!"
The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft."
The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"
After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped.
When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it."
The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?"
"Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!"
The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law.
"Of course!" said Nathan proudly.
Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked.
"Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went."
Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?"
"No idea." answered his brother-in-law.
"What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!"
"I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."
Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a Lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his penis. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed. They gave him the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant’s trunk for a penis.
A couple weeks pass and a chimp comes by to ask Tarzan how his new parts are.
Tarzan says “Eye, make Tarzan see far!” “Arm, make Tarzan strong!” “But Tarzan no like new wee-wee!!”
The chimp asks “why not?”
Tarzan makes a curling motion with his arm, mimicking an elephant’s trunk and says,
“It keeps picking weeds and shoving them up Tarzan’s ass!”
Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner's, looking somewhat sheepish.
"I'm really sorry to bother you with this," he says, "but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?"
The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look.
Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes.
Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face.
"You won't believe it," says the dry cleaner, "but I have good news for you!"
"Oh my goodness!" says the fellow. "You mean you actually found it?"
"Yep!" Said the dry cleaner proudly: "It'll be ready next Tuesday!"
A farmer hires a new hand. He looks a little slow, but strong as an ox.
He tells him "Toss these hay bales in the tractor", and he does, no problem.
He tells him "Put these fence posts into the dirt", and he mallets them in faster than the farmer ever had.
He then trusted the young man enough to take care of the toughest task on the farm.
"Hold down the cow and insert this suppository. It's for Mad Cow disease." and hands him a pill the size of a red bull can.
10 minutes later, looking worn out and wobbly on his feet, the farmhand returns.
"Haha Did Ol Bess put up a fight?", asked the farmer with a grin.
"No...'", the young man said, concernedly, "...she just stared at me like I was crazy. But that pill hurt like the dickens!"
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient.
He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally.
Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense.
One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.”
He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor.
“Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.”
More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside.
She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.”
Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open.
People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked.
“What on earth is going on here?” he asked.
The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!”
The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said…
“Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after smearing goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP!
Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. Eight more times he tried it, and eight more times the miracle occurred.
Excitedly, he ran to the rabbi and told him. The rabbi, stubborn and skeptical, refused to believe such nonsense. “Show me,” he demanded.
The shlemiel dropped the bread once, twice, a dozen times, and each time it landed goosefat side up. The rabbi scowled. He stroked his beard, paced the room, and shook his head.
After hours of watching, he finally declared: “This is no miracle. The explanation is simple.”
The villagers asked, “Rabbi, how can that be? We all saw it!”
The rabbi replied, “The boy, being a shlemiel, smeared the goosefat on the wrong side of the bread!"
On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron.
One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe.
The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass.
Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!"
"What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor.
After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk."
The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on.
30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly.
He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''
One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry.
At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river.
The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?”
“No,” replied the woodcutter.
The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” he asked.
“No,” said the woodcutter.
The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe.
“Is this your axe?”
“Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily.
The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy.
A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why.
“My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter.
The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime.
“Is this your wife?” he asked.
“Yes!” said the woodcutter.
“You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious.
“Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…”
Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman...
A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate).
Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet.
"Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice.
She proceeded to explain the situation to him.
The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw".
"Really, do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me."
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills last century. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College grajute, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.
They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.
Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?"
"My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"
He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.
He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"
His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.
Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:
“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
A short guy was walking in a hookers street. Everybody could see he was very shy.
He saw a nice-looking hooker sitting on a stool, so he stopped and looked at her with interest.
She noticed his lack of confidence, obviously because he was too short, so she told him, "Don't worry, mine fits all sizes."
So the guy smiled and asked her, "How much?"
She replied, "For you it'll be $90."
So he gave her the money, took the stool, and left.
His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral.
The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription.
The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable.
He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it.
He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice.
“How can you tell” he was asked. “
Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN”
“THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”!
The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then.
Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again.
“How can you tell” asked the master.
“Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees.
The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!"
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!"
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!"
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!"
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw."
The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector.
He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right."
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked.
"Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."
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