An Englishman driving the backroads of Scotland sees a bonnie lass on the side of road, waving for him to stop. He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?" In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot. "Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!" Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot. "AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!" There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do." The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane. During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.