Jail Jokes

That's What You Get For Speeding A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
The Old Lady Shoplifter An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?" "Six." says the old lady. "Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?" "Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."
A Prisoner's Dilemma An English, Irish and French soldiers are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land. As prisoners of war, the judge sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a year's supply of a luxury item of their choosing. He asks the Englishman what he wants. He says: 'I'll have some of the finest English Gin!' The judge agrees and sends a years of Gin into his cell. Next the Irishman: 'I'll have to go with the finest Irish Whiskey' The Judge agrees and sends in a years supply of 12yo. Irish Whiskey He asks the Frenchman what he wants and he replies: 'I'll have a case of the finest French cigarettes' The judge orders in a case of the finest French cigarettes he can get. The three prisoners are sent into their cells with their chosen comforts and locked for a year with only meals being sent under the door. After the 12 months is up, the judge returns to release the POWs. He opens the door to the Englishman's cell and the Englishman hobbles out and says: 'I'm finally free'. before falling down dead and dying of alcohol poisoning. They head to the Irishman cell and open it and out scuffles the Irishman and says: 'Free at last'. takes a few steps, straightens himself and keeps walking slowly towards freedom. The Judge turns to the Frenchman's cell and opens the door. The Frenchman looks horrible. He takes a few shaky steps forward, raises his hands and pleads: 'Please... PLEASE... Does anyone have a light?!?'
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
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