An Englishman driving the backroads of Scotland sees a bonnie lass on the side of road, waving for him to stop. He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?" In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot. "Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!" Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot. "AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!" There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do." The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."