Short Funny Quotes “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.” Chris Rock
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert... After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand] Cat: You're one short buddy.
What You Get For Smoking
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.
The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."