The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied: "The balcony".

A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."

Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums. They promise to meet up again after the ship docks. A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?” “Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.” “Oh,” says Saul, disappointed. The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!” “Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme - my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!” Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.” “The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately— “Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?” “He is!” “Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??” “My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m shtupping his wife!”