A large corporation hires a Tribe of ex-cannibals. As they accept them they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody!"
Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office and says:
"One of the employees has been missing for several days now. This is awkward to ask, but... did you EAT them?"
The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:
"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. We have left that all behind us."
The CEO remains unconvinced, but without evidence there is nothing he can do. He apologizes for the suspicion and sends them back to work.
Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his people and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"
A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hand and admits:
"I ate the cleaning lady."
Enraged, the chief slaps the man and yells:
"You fool! We've been eating department heads, marketing executives and efficiency consultants for weeks and nobody noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone they'll miss!"
Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
"What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!"
"You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy."
"What makes you say that?" asked her father.
"Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, quietly, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, a bit out of his element. "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three main styles
of bras to choose from." Said the saleslady. "The soldier, the judge or the politician. Which would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "Well it's quite simple. The soldier defends strategic locations from foreign hands, the judge makes sure everything is equal and balanced, and the politician blows everything out of proportion."
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night and invites the whole family to spend the holiday and meal together.
The family gathers, but the couple's children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud: "Ugh, your children, always late."
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain: "Ugh, what's with the food here, why is it always late?"
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says: "Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time." A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: "Ugh, this clock... always late."
In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...
One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would bring his family glory, and the other family would be forced to leave the territory for good.
The night before the duel, the Father of one clan approached his son and asked him why he decided to do this. Surely there was another way. The son responded he could no longer stand the fighting, and would rather die than deal with it any longer.
Besides, he was older and knew he could easily best the eldest son of the opposing clan. He also had a superior disarming technique and could quickly end it all. He was certain of his victory.
He continued to meditate and focus until the very moment of the duel. He could practically visualize the battle. He knew his opponents every move- he had spied on the past training sessions of his rookie opponent, and knew his every weakness. He was ready.
When the time came, he donned his gear and made his way to the Arena. They approached each other from opposing ends. They stopped. Both bowed low in respect.
Then as they lifted their heads back up, it was a flurry of sparks and slashes as the two went head to head. Such a display of combative grace had never been seen before. Both were clearly masters of their craft. As they continued to exchange blows, the older of the two saw his opening and struck.
The younger fighter's sword hand had been lost. However, at that very moment the sword spun in a way that cut off both legs of the older fighter, dropping him to the floor in a splatter of blood. The younger fighter reached down and picked his sword back up with his left hand and finished his downed opponent in a quick display of mercy.
Later, as the Heads of both clans met to sign their peace treaty, the Father of the older fighter approached the younger fighter. He told him that he held no animosity toward him - he fought valiantly to the very end. He only blamed his own son's foolishness, and as he walked away he muttered sadly to himself, "I just don't understand where he went wrong. He was supposed to be the greatest Samurai of our time..."
To which the younger fighter responded:
"He was indeed an excellent fighter, but while he was focused on disarming me, I simply focused on de-feeting him."
An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room.
A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well..." says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes" the old man answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes," the old man replies. "Congratulations," the nurse says, "that's really impressive."
"Well..." says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well... says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren.
"I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!"
The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!"
"You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly.
The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours."
"So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised.
"No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."
It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?"
"Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband.
His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier." 
Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room.
Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, and wake up in New York! It was back and forth like that all night long!"
Neil laughs and tells him: "I had an amazing dream yesterday, and I met a beautiful, famous woman."
Jim gets excited, asking, "Who?"
Neil answers him: "Beyoncé! And what is she telling me? 'Can I come in to warm up?'"
"Well, so what did you say?" Jim asks.
"I said to her, 'Why not? Let's have some fun! She went in, took off her clothes, went into the shower and came out with a towel to hug me on the couch "
"Wow, what a dream..." says Jim with a hint of envy.
"Wait, that's not all," adds the other, "the second we sit down, another knock on the door. I open it, and who's standing in the entrance, wet from the rain?"
"Well, who?" asks Jim enthusiastically, "Scarlett Johansson! She also wants to go in to warm up! She goes in, takes off her clothes, takes a shower and comes to warm up with us on a sofa. And all night I'm thinking what the heck am I going to do with TWO of them?"
"What kind of friend are you?" complains Jim "Couldn't you have called me? Isn't one beautiful, famous girl enough for you?"
"You think I didn't try?" Shouts Neil, suddenly upset. "I called you all night, but you? New York to Chicago, Chicago to New York, New York to Chicago..."
A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset.
When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an open fire, and the pilot found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting their one fish, the politician was going to grab the last fish when the oil baron slapped his hand.
They got into an argument, with the politician believing since he spent all day catching fish, he deserved his extra. The oil baron disagreed and said that he supplied the material needed to cook the fish and so it should be his. The conflict escalated, and as they were about to start a fist fight, the pilot sat back and was nervously rubbing his bottle.
All of a sudden, the bottle's cork flew off, and a huge green genie appeared in front of them, muscular arms crossed in front of him. "You have freed me, weary traveler!" he booms at the pilot. "I was dropped in the middle of the ocean centuries ago, and now, to thank you, I shall give you three wishes, as is custom."
The pilot stopped the genie and asked if instead of giving him three wishes if he could give each of them one, with which the genie generously agreed.
The pilot has thought about this before, and he was going to say his wish, but out of fury, the politician pointed at the oil baron and spit out, "I wish all greedy people like him would disappear!"
The genie laughed, and was going to grant the wish, until the oil baron said, "well I wish all power-hungry people like HIM disappeared!"
The genie looked concerned, and so asked the pilot for his wish. Thinking for a few minutes, the pilot then tells the genie "I'd like my plane fixed, good as new."
All three look at the pilot, confused by his modest wish. "You can ask for ANYTHING. Why would you only wish for that?" says an astonished politician.
"Well, I was going to wish for world peace," said the pilot, "but you two seemed to have taken care of that."
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker."
"That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river.
He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!" The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!"
"And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!"
The fisherman smiles and nods proudly, "Thank you!"
"Some high-quality bait, too."
"Thanks again!" says the fisherman with a big smile.
The young man peers down into the river, curious.
"You know," He says. "The fish don't really come through here this time of year."
"Yeah, I know." Shrugged the fisherman.
"Then what are you fishing for?"
"Compliments."
It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire!
The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!"
Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire!
"What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him.
"Getting a proper sample size!"
As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way.
Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it.
However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands.
"Is this yours, lady?" He cries at her
"Yes it is!" She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward...”
An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him.
He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room!
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
"There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block.
Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat.”
“What does that mean?”, asks the girl.
“Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?” says the busy mother.
So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.”.
The father takes a rag, pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Now you can take her for a walk”, he says. “Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine”.
So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her.
A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu.
Concerned, her dad asked “Where’s Lulu, sweetie?”
“She ran out of gas halfway around the block," the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home.”
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road.” explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call!".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right.", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes." says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah." the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course." the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck
"That's right!" says the barman
The duck looks confused.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"
A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed.
Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm.
After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm.
Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results.
So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers!
The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.
There was once a Viking who became such a powerful warrior, he decided to take up a new challenge. The Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.
He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.
Believing that their daughter was guaranteed to win in a staring contest, the couple sent a messenger to invite the Viking to Ireland to face off against her. He gladly accepted the challenge, setting sail the next day.
The Viking eventually arrived at the couple's home, where he and the daughter had a staring contest which lasted for hours, and eventually days. Nearly a week had passed, and the Viking's eyes remained wide open. At this point, the girl was so exhausted that she decided to forfeit the match, losing by default.
Her parents were baffled. The wife asked her husband, "How could he have kept his eyes open for so long, even against someone with no eyelids?" With no good explanation, the husband shrugged and responded "You can lead a Norse to daughter, but you can't make him blink."
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift.
Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life.
Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring.
He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you some SUPER LOVIN'!"
The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."
"C'mon man.... give it a try... " She says.
Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight.
When he's done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, "But you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you." completed the old man.
A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
"Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor.
The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.
They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off.
The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants.
She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim.
John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and whispers "85".
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature!
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
An architect vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The architect replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled.
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.'
Then I had to share my story:
'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'
Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day."
Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked.
"Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied.
"I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"
"This is Oliver's parole officer."
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